CHRONICLES OF NARNIA (movie) REVIEW

"The Chronic-wat-cles of Narnia" That shit was sick. But let's talk about this massive pile of shit. This movie is a new landmark in the sort of terrible being released. It is shitty for the kids it was aiming for and it was shitty for stoners who don't know what's going on. Yes I read the books as a child but no the reason I disliked it was not because it did not live up to my imagination. I had low expectations for this movie and for the first 30 minutes, despite the mild annoyance of the kid actors, I actually enjoyed it. People in the crowd were still making jokes, and there had yet to be a cringeworthy moment. Which only heightened the soul-twisting pain of the marathon of horrible lines and cliche shots hit over and over again. It starts with Father-fucking christmas. There is a shot of the two badgers hugging at his appearance that is just no (not a what the fuck? but a complete and utter rejection that something of its nature could be offered to the audience and thought that it would pass). This type of insult is spoonfed to us. The centaur as a character created specifically to make a last stand that we would care about. A battle scene using special effects that has absolutely no impact. Rhinocerases and polar bears. Half-baked character developments. Almost every shot comes off as contrived and arrogant, without any editing put in the process. The movie feels long as hell (3 hrsdammit) but offers absolutely no gratification. The jokes made by the smart ass behind me, the laughs at the fantasy the movie offers, ends after those first 30 minutes. The theater is silent in our collective anguish. This is more than a bad movie, it is a travesty in that you can't seriously believe how it is playing out, but there it is in front of you. The only good, life affirming thing in the film was the dwarf (gnome?) assistant of the queen, who was beautiful in his futile attempts to liven the film as a bitch to everyone.

Look at this crap. Torture us with a shitty montage and an ugly set.

The strange thing is that the people I know didn't come away with the same impression. The collective response was "meeh", "it was alright", "nothing special", "at least the battle scene is cool". wat.the.fuck. What happened here?? Am I turning into some crazed cynic, some type of movie snob? (Fuck yall thats not what happened) No, I think it is deeper and more dangerous than that. When I went to Thailand over break, King Kong and Narnia had a monopoly over theaters...not another film could be seen. Now King Kong was bad in an ADD special effects peter jackson masturbation sort of way, but it was not on the same level of Narnia. But they are similar. The two films mark a shift from story to special effects, reality to wonder(shitty computer generated wonder), thought to zombification; mainly the use of money to gloss over the crap. In a world where these films are the only choice (as in Thailand) this shit becomes regular, commonplace, "meeh". I'm no fucking prophet but that's some scary orwell bullshit! THOSE FUCKS AT HOLLYWOOD ARE SPITTING IN OUR FACES and we have gotten so used to wallowing in it we don't even mind anymore. A friend (who has lived in Austria most his life) said King Kong was one of his top 5 movies he'd ever seen. WHAT THE FUCK?! How can independant movies, with characters and a story, compete with this fantasy-effect bullshit? Brainwash me with some eraserhead. Christ. FUCK NARNIA. Yes Hollywood standards are bad. But at least before we knew it and it was mildly amusing or invoked some sort of reaction. This flashy bang bang shit is a vortex of complete meaninglessness.